there once was

3.22am

the flashbacks come as a roll of film playing on unstoppably. these two years felt like two months, but tomorrow the air around me might be empty. tomorrow i'll clear out my books and notes and watch as the barren shelves and tables sit, completely empty, mocking their very own purpose. ha-ha. i'm staring at a stack of prelim papers in the near distance and i'm thinking that suddenly the numerous colourful sticky tabs mean nothing anymore. suddenly i worry about having too much time. this is a concept i have yet to grasp. is it even a concept i am unsure. sometimes the gift of memory is a painful thing – the way retrospection sweetens even the most bitter of memories and negates all feelings of resentment. even the 12am dinners and 6.30am mornings don't seem that bad anymore. perhaps it's just a natural inertia to change. i keep going back to the past few months and wonder if this is how it all ends. it would be regrettable, indefinitely, to watch twelve over hours reduce to... nothingness. it seems like i/we have forgotten how to 'hang out' together doing anything else but studying, but now there might not be a reason for spending twelve+ hours together anymore. it feels terribly and incredibly odd to go to sleep knowing that tomorrow i won't have to be up by 8. it feels odd that when i wake up tomorrow, i will not be rushing to meet [group of people] to study. i don't want to grow up because growing up makes me feel... lonely... and i feel like, i don't want to go into the open sea, i don't want to fend for myself, i just want to keep swimming in this aquarium where i don't ever have to feel threatened. i don't think i'll ever understand this stupid thing called change. why, why, why does everything good always have to end so quickly? this is possibly both the happiest and saddest i have been in my life, and maybe that's how i know that i made the best decision yet about two years ago. and i really don't care about prestige anymore because, dammit, i really was happy, the happiest i have ever been in eighteen years in fact