there once was

'rehab & relapse & remember all start with the letter R'

i wish the 'right' choices were easier to make, but it is much easier to stay aloof & disappearing; it is much more comfortable to be disconnected & distant. you probably do not understand, but it is much easier to 'relapse' than 'recover', because some weights evolve from being a burden to being an anchor. it sounds preposterous, but life never makes sense - it is possible to choose perpetual 'sorrow' over 'freedom' - or whatever people think the name opposite of grief should sound like (what is so great about freedom anyway? justina told me something along the lines 'perhaps everything is a measure of how comfortable we are' before & i think it is true). perhaps sadness is a kind of happiness, although i am still trying to figure out how that could be

the loss of will vs. the will to destroy, maybe

it is so much easier to relapse