"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it ridiculous."

"You need this place, you need it to feel alive. It's pathetic."

– Girl, Interrupted

I had everything I ever wanted to say to you
organized in my head but forgot it all when
you took my palm in your hand and with your index finger wrote
“disaster.” If you were to ask me how I ended up here,
I don’t even know. Every night at 8:25 I can’t believe
it’s already 8:25 and I’m so happy it’s only 8:25. Sometimes
I find tragedy reassuring. Sometimes the cat licks my neck. I
don’t want to think about where I’ve been or
where I’m going anymore. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes
I just want to sit in a quiet space. It’s within me to
rip my own head off. Let me tell you about the city. It’s a city of
lavender. I can’t remember its name. There aren’t enough
bank holidays. Someday you’ll read this and
understand what type of person I am.

  City of Lavender by Jason Bredle

i spent sunday afternoon in my bedroom today, watching this magical film, and i guess it pretty much sums up my life. i think it was when i was ten years younger that i went over to zheru's house, and we lounged in her attic, where the children version of this classic lay. she lent the book to me and i read every page like it exuded fine, delicate magic, that formed sacred images in my head which i hold even up to today. last year, i got the original copy of this and as i read it, the same images flashed in my head with the same enchantment. how precious

i held onto the images, created by frances' words, that i have ever only saw in my head as i anticipated the film. i wanted so badly to see how everything is supposed to be, especially the garden. rarely the adapted film is better than the book but this film was A+ (albeit slightly less exciting in the events that led up to her discovering the secret garden and colin, but that's fine). colin's room and the setting in india were just as i'd imagined it to be. mary's room in england, as well as the garden were even more delightful

i thank God so much for frances and her craft because the secret garden is probably one of the most magical, hopeful and beautiful things in my life. now i just need an opportunity to catch the musical version of this to complete my 'physical-visual' journey of the secret garden (my inner journey with it will never end)

"My name is Mary Lennox. I was born in India. It was hot, and strange, and lonely in India. I didn't like it. Nobody by my servant, my ayah, looked after me. My parents didn't want me. My mother cared only to go to parties. And my father was busy with his military duties. I was never allowed to go to the parties. I watched them from my mother's bedroom window. I was angry, but I never cried. I didn't know how to cry."

"Colin: Are you making this magic? 

Mary: No, you are. 

Colin: Just like in the story.

Colin: It's like the whole universe is in here [inside of me].

Mary: I'm certain it is. 

Colin: That means I could marry you. 

Mary: What? But we're cousins! 

Colin: I don't care. I want us always to be together. 

Mary: We are together."

"That was the night the rain stopped, the night spring came to Misselthwaite. My poor uncle fled from it, as if he were escaping the spring."

"If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden."

and finally, close your eyes and let this take you on a journey:

(i think i will watch heidi next because it is the next closest thing to my childhood after the secret garden.)