there once was

another hundred days have gone by

maybe it's the AM talks or maybe it's the whole melancholia of christmas talking but i can't help but feel like with every christmas i lose more and more; as i get older christmas becomes a time where i feel a deep sense of loss it is ironic i know but last last last christmas i had all of those people around and last last christmas. and last christmas, a little less, but this year

another hundred days have gone by

i can't even bring myself with the wishes because if birthdays and christmas are the only times we are going to speak then maybe i would rather not because if we do the wishes there would be talk silence silence silence silence talk silence silence silence silence silence talk and that is worse than silence silence silence silence silence silence silence silence silence silence silence silence. that just shows how we have acknowledged what we have come to be—needy of an occassion just to make even little talks. i know full well that we all pass through the years entering and exiting one another's lives; i know how at some point our lives intersect and then diverge, i know how all of that is inevitable and inexorable but i wish it would all stop, or maybe pause, that could suffice—one more breath to know that it all existed and that it was good and it , like every dance—however lovely; however timeless it seems—has to now come to an end; one more frail moment to hold the hands i will soon have to part from, just to make sure i always remember the heart lines on those palms

maybe i'm not asking for an absolute constant, and all i want is to be able to walk on and look back upon the past, not with a visceral ache gnawing at my raw flesh, but with the knowledge that it was all good and it could not have been any better and there neither was nor is absolutely nothing to regret about. i think this art is called moving on and i would like to learn it

except that i know You are one person i will never have to learn this art for because, i turn to my right and there you stand; i fall to my left and you're not just there but i know you are there to break my fall; i walk on north and there you are leading my way; i go south and there you are again, lighting my path. hundred days ago from last christmas, psalms 42 

another hundred days of counting down to christmas have gone by, psalms 42—you remember me better than i do

if i have You, i have everything and perhaps you who goes before me are all i could ever ask for for christmas

merry christmas, this christmas i'll be happy