there once was

妈

6.00pm
There are keys rattling on the outside
Footsteps singing a song of relief to be home
And I know you’re back
But more than knowing you’re back
I know you’re safe

But more than knowing you’re safe
I know I’m safe–
How could I not, with you around

It’s rare to feel assured this easily when you have anxiety issues

I pray once to a God who neither slumber nor sleeps, but once doesn't seem enough
In my head I think:
Maybe I didn’t say it clearly
Maybe I said it too quickly
Maybe I wasn’t sincere enough
Maybe, maybe
I pray once, I’ll have to do it twice
I pray twice, I’ll have to do it thrice
I pray and I’ll have to pray and pray until I feel like it’s right

But with her it’s different you see
When she’s around, one seems enough
I don’t find the need to wish for someone else to appear to feel like it’s right

The funny thing is, I don't realise that

Sometimes she comes in
My ears are plugged but she’s still talking
I try to show that I’m too busy for conversations
I feign ignorance and pretend I can’t hear
Still she talks on
I don’t know why she doesn’t stop
But now I'm glad she doesn’t

Because each time I unplug my ears to let her voice in and
Complete the effort with a sprinkle of irritation in my reply and then
Turn back to what I had been musing over
I remember that from someday till forever she won’t need these signals to stop talking

Someday, over the music gushing into my ears
There won’t be talking
Someday, over the ignorance I feign
There will be silence
Today I’m begging for it but
Someday I’ll be pleading for something to fill it
Someday this enticing sweet silence will turn into a void, bitter and grey

And until then, you'll talk to me once and once shan't seem enough
We'll talk together once, then have to do it twice
We'll talk together twice, then have to do it thrice
We'll talk and have to talk and talk until it feels right
Except that it shall never feel right enough to stop, until Someday comes

Today isn’t Mothers’ Day, and neither is it your birthday
And that is precisely why I’m writing this–
Because I want to love you even on ordinary days, like how you do for me