there once was

today my ct asked us something along the lines of our ambition, and it came to me again that i have none actually. before i turned seventeen, i thought i had the outline of my life already morphed out in my head, albeit with blur edges and unclarity. funny thing is, the older i get, the more clueless i get about what i want to be, who i want to be, what i even am, who i really am. the aspirations i had thought would only grow with time now seem to have diminished to just remains of the past. i feel unfamiliar to myself. it is as if the world and all it contains are moving away from the axis on which i lie, in a skewed direction. it seems to me like i am on the inside of a fogged up window watching the world spin endlessly on. sometimes i feel like all i have is a pair of eyes to stare listlessly out at everything that happens. maybe i am just tired and uninspired. if i could i would love to take a break from the world to realign myself internally, to understand the anatomy of what lies inside me again

and perhaps, from the other axis, there is another pair of eyes staring out from behind another fogged up window, pondering about the same things. and just the idea of it makes it all a little more bearable

“That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald