there once was

Day 2/25.

I am so grateful. You are such a good thing that has happened to me.

Last night you texted me saying that you felt sad we're not going to be able to meet for 4 weeks, and that that was a really long time. It was one a.m., I think – I read your message in a half-asleep state. I had spent my afternoon telling myself that it would be okay, that four weeks would pass by quickly; I had even talked myself into believing that this would do me some good, considering the two mid-terms I have this week, the two essays for finals, and a shitload of dragon boat training. Perhaps it is true; perhaps this one month will do me some good/is necessary. I have been obscenely distracted and unfocused since school started, and it is probably high time I start finding my footing in uni anyway.

At one a.m., groggy-minded, my first reaction was that it was okay. Then what you said about feeling sad kind of found its way into my system and settled on the surface of my mind, of my heart. I read your message again and cried a little till I drifted off into sleep, all the while questioning myself why I was crying.

Perhaps I wasn't crying entirely because I felt sad. I think I was crying partly because I felt assured about what I mean to you, and it bewildered me. It isn't that I doubt all that you have told me before, it is just partially difficult to grasp how someone like me could mean anything (important) to someone like you. It is so cheesy to say, but I don't care. I want to be honest and bold; you said before that you like how honest we are with each other. You are a gem and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Perhaps I was also crying partly because I thought about the day we would finally meet again. I imagine it to be a Friday night, when you get to book out at last. It would make me cry because I would be so bloated from missing you, and getting to see you at last would make me explode with euphoria. It would also make me cry because you are so precious and I would be so moved just to see you again.

And perhaps I was also crying because I (will) miss you. But maybe I should be grateful I have someone to miss this much. And yet I cannot deny the fact that I wish you would hurry home already. But that is okay, I know that you are well, and I know you are not going anywhere.

Nevertheless, I cannot wait to see you again in four weeks; I cannot wait to hold your hand and to be held by you.

Until then, I will be strong. I will be so, so strong. We will be well.