there once was

i don't know what is holding me back from wanting to fully immerse myself in heaven's joy. i don't want to go back to the dark room that i was in, but neither do i want to walk on from it. why do i enjoy treading in the grey? do i even attain any sort of gratification from that? or have i merely gotten used to living in the dim, so much so that the light now blinds me? i feel confused. recently i have been questioning if my life has been too much idealistic. i am uncertain as to whether i have been living a lie or if this is really me. i question the things i think i love – are they what i really love? or am i simply in love with the idea of them? i don't quite know if i feel lost or if all these wonderings are because i want only truth in my life. what i truly fear most right now is to wake up one morning discovering that i never was the person i have always thought i was. i don't want to be living a lie, yet i dread the day i find myself draped in thick layers of untruths. perhaps i could only pray that all this dubiousness about myself is a result of being too busy in the world. and maybe i will wake up one morning inspired and fully passionate about these things all over again. one morning i could possibly wake up knowing for sure what i love; what i am, and realising that all the questioning was borne from a temporal passiveness living in my bones. in any case, i want to learn to put the cross before me and the world behind me. if these things i love must go behind me, then God i pray for a willing spirit. maybe it is time i actually spend more time talking to people about these things rather than writing on spaces and keeping them to myself

i found the place
caught in open arms
where love's embrace 
mends a broken heart
here i will stay
for all my days
draw me closer