there once was

everyone is doing a 'post-2012' kind of post, & i shall not go against the conventional for this one. these are what i remember of my 2012:

- denise attending church with me
- doubting everyone's happiness
- writing to various strangers from different parts of the world
- sleeping in almost every class with my seat mates
- fervently doing math & chemistry papers with nicklaus & haziq in term four
- having my o level biology paper 2 & geography paper on the same day
- watching cher lloyd with justina on the nights of our emath o level
- sitting in a corner of my room at night with the lights turned off, watching as the moon ascends, watching as the shadows in the walls dance, listening to the walls breathe, wondering how it would be listening to someone else in the same room breathe in those instances
- realising i don't actually know myself almost at all
- wanting to drown myself in my own pool of cheap tears
- wanting to open all my veins & drain out every ounce of blood
- wanting to cut my under-lips with my braces until i bled the heck of my emotions out
- just really wanting to die
- almost deleting everyone from my contact list as a sign of deleting everyone from my life
- crying during recess
- crying as i sit for a biology paper
- crying as i walk home from school
- crying but not knowing what my tears were being spent on
- losing my soul
- gaining back my soul
- graduating from secondary school, not feeling even the least of sentimental feelings about it
- removing my braces the morning of prom & figuring that i didn't wish to interact with people i didn't exactly know (which is basically everyone except a few) even after four years, so i went book-shopping instead of prom
- realising my fetish for human madness
- realising that i like broken people lots
- realising that i like quiet, aloof, reserved people that constantly contemplate life & write their thoughts out well very much
- realising that i fall in love with almost all things sad & beautiful
- feeling genuinely happy mostly when i am with denise, isabelle, christian, & our several brief acquaintances
- pride & prejudice & ppac
- immensely wishing to be more closely acquainted with certain people
- liking people too much or not at all
- taking last trains with belle, eating past 12a.m.
- journaling about everything, down to the smallest detail, as if i am unwell with a deteriorating memory. it makes me feel like i am mentally sick, but at least my thoughts would not be misplaced
- realised it is a 'Plath syndrome', or something like that
- exchanging mix-tapes & other small hand made things with a stranger for christmas
- arbitrarily meeting an elderly stranger at the bus interchange on christmas eve who initially asked for directions, then started relating a brief bit of his past to me while smiling to himself in retrospect. after which he caught a glimpse of my cross necklace & said 'oh you're a christian too. merry christmas; God bless'. remember wanting, for a slight moment, to shake his hands or hold them or just look at them like they were hands of a grandfather i never had
- playing the piano in front of my parents for the first time in two years/since i failed my grade eight exam for the second time
- learning how to give thanks even for the littlest of things, & since then my contentment has been easily derived, in a good way