there once was

sleep has never seemed more painful - for if you must know, i absolutely hate dreaming (not that i enjoy reality any better) - & waking up was never more arduous. my chest also hurts the most in the moment where dawn sets my eyelids apart & pulls my mind completely out of subconsciousness. perhaps ache flits through my tired skin in the midst of my sleep each night & makes a nest somewhere in the hollows of my lungs
but i won't mind
better to have pain to hold on to than to be left to question if it even happened when everything fades to ashes & ghosts

today i spent all my free periods in the school library, rereading Both Ways Is The Only Way I Want It & wrote some things on my foolscap, which i stupidly left under my desk at the end of the day. sometimes i get so preoccupied with faraway thoughts that i lose focus on the concurrent actuality. i have had people tell me that in the past few days but believe me when i say i don't mean to deliberately retract myself from anyone at all. although, admittedly, there is a preference of solitude in the library over being elsewhere with everyone else, & maybe this is how i want to remember the rest of my secondary school days, as much as i enjoy the company of my friends. i have been feeling better than safe - sorted out - alone, quiet

also made an impromptu decision to meet denise after school who was, herself, collecting/sorting out her self/thoughts/feelings at the nearby beach. we hung out & i got my mind off things, something that has been seemingly preposterous for my mind. then we left & i reached my house within 5 minutes while she reached hers a street away later. i'm glad we live just 2 roads away from each other




"I may never be happy, but tonight I am contempt."
today we sipped breaths of the ocean; the cobwebs that hung loosely in our minds fell apart
"At times like this I'd call myself a fool to ask for more."